For Better or For Worse
If your living and breathing it is innevitable that there will be twists and turns, hills and vallys, and bumps along the way. I think we all know things would go wrong and it would get hard from time to time.For me, I never thought that a few years into marriage my health would crumble and everything would change for the rest of our lives. We quickly learned that “for better or for worse” had a totally different meaning.
Vows put to the test
It’s one of those things you think will never happen to you, and then it does. Out of no where, your hit with the unimaginable.
One evening, I thought I had come down with the stomach bug, but that bug never went away. Eventually, I was diagnosed with Crohns Disease and a life of so many unexpected circumstances. My husband didn’t sign up for this and he certainly had no idea how to handle a chronicly ill wife. It took those words, for better or for worse, to a whole other level before either of us turned the age of 30.
We were really thrown for a loop again when I had a stroke just two years after the Crohns diagnosis. The previous two years were a cake walk compared to what we faced after the stroke.
It was at that point my husband really honed in on how to care for me. Today, I can say, He has gotten to the point where he just knows what to do and I don’t even have to say anything. It took a while to get to that point. Communicating well and a lot of grace was necessary, but now it’s such a blessing in times when I just need him to know with out saying a word. Obviously, neither of us are perfect at it, but in times of emergency it’s a life saver, quiet literally.
In This Together
No matter how well we plan, life will throw us curveballs. Thankfully, God designed us to have a helpmate to get through lifes ups and downs together. Someone to experience the joys of life with, but also the sorrows. Someone to lean on in times of trouble. Someone to help ease the load. Someone to cheer us on and encourage us to be the best we can be. Someone to dream with, laugh with, and cry with.
Sometimes when we go through the worst of times, it feels lonely. Like its just the two of you against the world, but I think there are also times you have this feeling like you can conquer anything together. You know deep down that you’ll get through this and better days will come.
A Lesson To Learn
For some, it may come naturally to know how to care for someone, but for some there is a learning curve. It can be a hard transition from living with mom and dad to living with your spouse. You may think that the other person just naturally knows what to do and how to comfort you. Let’s be honest, I know I did. I had moments when I literally had to ask myself why is he not doing anything? Why can’t he see the need and just do it? It finally dawned on me that I never opened my mouth and told him. Why did I think he was a mind reader? Why did I think this would come naturally to him? When I started communicating my needs, he was more than willing to follow through to make me more comfortable.
Our Experience
I think there are some circumstances where that instict will kick in naturally, but maybe only for some. For example, I will share our experience. When I had the stroke and I was in the hospital, it was like living in a fish bowl. The nurses became very aware of how my husband cared for me. We had a few people tell us how cute we were and how they could tell we really loved eachother. It was very evident to them with how my husband cared for me. The most astounding thing we heard from one of the staff was that they had never seen anyone care for a spouse the way he did for me, especially at our age. That hostly made me sad to think about.
Tips For Caring For Your Spouse
If you want to care for your spouse better when hard times come, here are a few tips that have helped us along the way. The first tip to keep in mind is to try putting yourself in the other persons shoes. This is especially necessary if your spouse is not one to communicate what they need, even if you ask them. At that point, we have to be in tune to how the other person may be feeling. You have to think of yourself going through the same thing your spouse is going through and ask yourself the following questions:
- If I was feeling this way, what would bring me comfort?
- How would I want to be treated?
- What would help relieve my stress?
Love Languages
I think it’s also helpful to know eachothes love language(s). A book by Gary Chapman called The Five Love Languages is a great resourse that gives a better understanding of them. A great blog post by Crated with Love also summarizes the five love languages. I think if you know your spouse’s love language then it does help in knowing how to care for them in hard times.
For example, if they are going through a stressful time at work and their love language is words of affirmation, then affirming their positive attibutes and pointing out their stregths can do wonders. If your spouse is one to openly share their feelings and their love language is quality time, probably the most helpful thing you could do is turn off all the distractions, put down your phone and tune in to them. Another example, if their love language is acts of service and they are going through a stressful time or maybe not feeling well physically, would be to look around and see if there is any chores that need to be down that they usually do.
When I was going through health struggles, there is nothing that made me feel the weight lifted off my shoulders more than when my husband did the dishes or a load of laundry with out being asked.
Better For It
As hard as that season in our lives was with my health issues, our marriage is better for it. I still don’t have all the answers and this may just be the tip of the iceburge, but I hope this was helpful. I wanted to do a post that was marriage related in honor of our 10 year anniversary. The last ten years haven’t been anything we ever imagined. I can say these years grew our faith.. Stregthened our bond. Stretched us beyond what we thought we were capable of. Molded us into who we are today. Aged us a liitle faster than we would have like. haha But mostly thwy taught us how to care for eachother better. Through thick and thin. Sickness and in heath. For better or for worse.